Being a mom is more than a 24/7 job—I mean, if we could really snag another few hours in a day. And many of those hours are filled with a soundtrack running in our heads of worries, fears, questions and honest WTH? declarations. What are moms really thinking about? I can honestly say it’s not just what’s on sale at Target.
What’s for dinner?
This also includes snacks, breakfast, lunchbox fillers, more snacks and of course chocolate chip cookies used for bribery. When you have teens, they pre-empt your internal dialogue by asking, “What’s for dinner?” before they’ve even eaten breakfast. But hey, no pressure.
Did I send the permission slip for the field trip?
This assumes that your child actually shows you the permission slip, which is most likely on the very bottom of the dank, dark and stuffed to the gills backpack. The secondary question to this one is, “Holy crap, did I volunteer to chaperone the field trip?”
Will she ever learn tie her shoes?
You can buy yourself some time from this particular worry by buying Velcro shoes, but by the time 4th or 5th grade comes along, this is a daily concern. It’s all on you, mom.
Is that a lisp?
A tic? A stutter? Wait, did she just fall asleep for a minute? Is it narcolepsy? Are her eyes crossing? Consultations with Dr. Google are a common response to this particular worry.
Ticks. What do ticks look like?
Kids need to spend time outside. Outside is where all the creatures live, like brown recluse spiders, black widow spiders, bears, moose, hawks and ticks.
Did I pack a snack in her backpack? Or was that yesterday’s snack?
Pack your child a fresh, healthy snack and feel like Mother of the Year. Pack a day old yogurt pouch and you’ll be picking your child up from the nurse’s office in two hours, tops.
I smell poop. Where’s the poop?
Between the dogs and the kids, who really gets the poop blame? Whether it’s on someone’s shoes, hidden in a corner, in a diaper or someone just didn’t flush this random thought never ends well.
Cleats. I forgot to buy the cleats.
Or the special shorts, the team uniform, the personalized team jacket ($$), the purple baseball socks with black stripe (not black with purple stripe) or (OMG) the cup. Heaven help the mom who sends her kid to that very first practice without the proper gear.
Is it early release day? Again? Or is that tomorrow?
Early release day is like a weekly test for moms on their memory and stamina. Hate.
Where in the heck am I going to find a Minecraft birthday cake?
Oh, you can find it—but you will pay an arm and a leg. This leads to that other nagging question. “How in the heck am I going to make a Minecraft cake?”
Picture day… is it today? Was it yesterday?
What the heck was she wearing today, that horrid My Little Pony shirt? For as long as schools have been scheduling picture day on the least appropriate day (Um, Monday? Really?) kids have been rocking picture day with a totally obnoxious shirt and dirty hair. And honestly, these make some of the very best memories down the road.
Is this shirt clean?
Is that an asthma cough?
If your kid has asthma, you know. Analysis of each and every cough occupies your every waking thought, especially during the winter months. You may as well keep her inhaler in your back pocket.
Will she really get into college if she missed a word on the spelling test?
Yes. Stop worrying.
Does his teacher really know how much I stink at math?
If your kid is knee deep into Common Core Math, don’t fret. None of the parents are rocking this.
Did I do the right thing?
This particular question will haunt you as a parent until your kids are 97 years old. Learn to live with it, and the sooner you can embrace the fact that your kids will grow up to be their own people, the better off you will be.
Where in the heck is the hamster?
There is no good answer to this question.